Ivans Night at Freddys
by Firestone the Hellknight
Summary: Ivan is a guy out of Russia. Sibiria to be precise. After taking a job at a place called 'Freddy Fazbears Pizza-Diner' he found his life in danger. But the animatronics couldn't know, what happens when you piss off a russian. Rated M for bad language and possible gore along with lots of game references. Ps: This is mostly bullshittery nothing makes sense. Continued!
1. Chapter 1

I got out of the car I was greeted with the cold night air. Here I am. Ivan Iwanow straight from Siberia moved to America. I was told this was the land of the possibilities. But that was a lie. Now I had to take a low paid job to even have food and water, but it was way better than the life back home.

I sighed. "Here goes nothing." As I made my way to the dinner I would be working in I was greeted with an giant sign. "Freddy Fazbears Pizza" I shook my head after seeing that. I got to the door, took one last breath and got in. It was pretty dark, but after entering some lights went on. As I took a few steps further I saw these animal robotic things. Animatronics how my boss called them. I scratched my head. Then I walked to the security room. On the way, I stepped on rubbish making a lot of noise. Probably from the kids which were running around here during the day. "Cyka" I said as I got in the security room. As I sat down I remembered what my boss told me. I would work from 12 midnight until 6 am. I also thought about the call he would give me when my shift starts. Just a second after thinking that, I got the call.

"Hello, hello? Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night. Um, I actually worked in that office before you. I'm finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact. So, I know it can be a bit overwhelming, but I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about. Uh, you'll do fine. So, let's just focus on getting you through your first week. Okay?

Uh, let's see, first there's an introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read. Uh, it's kind of a legal thing, you know. Um, "Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. A magical place for kids and grown-ups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life. Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovering that damage or death has occurred, a missing person report will be filed within 90 days, or as soon property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached, and the carpets have been replaced." He said normaly. "WHAT?!" I asked.

"Blah blah blah, now that might sound bad, I know, but there's really nothing to worry about. Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No. If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath? I'd probably be a bit irritable at night too. So, remember, these characters hold a special place in the hearts of children and we need to show them a little respect, right? Okay.

So, just be aware, the characters do tend to wander a bit. Uh, they're left in some kind of free roaming mode at night. Uh...Something about their servos locking up if they get turned off for too long. Uh, they used to be allowed to walk around during the day too. But then there was The Bite of '87. "THE BITE?!" I screamed. He started again. "Yeah. I-It's amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know? "Uh…." I started.

Uh, now concerning your safety, the only real risk to you as a night watchman here, if any, is the fact that these characters, uh, if they happen to see you after hours probably won't recognize you as a person. They'll p-most likely see you as a metal endoskeleton without its costume on. Now since that's against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, they'll probably try to...forcefully stuff you inside a Freddy Fazbear suit. Um, now, that wouldn't be so bad if the suits themselves weren't filled with crossbeams, wires, and animatronic devices, especially around the facial area. So, you could imagine how having your head forcefully pressed inside one of those could cause a bit of discomfort...and death. Uh, the only parts of you that would likely see the light of day again would be your eyeballs and teeth when they pop out the front of the mask, heh.

Y-Yeah, they don't tell you these things when you sign up. But hey, first day should be a breeze. I'll chat with you tomorrow. Uh, check those cameras, and remember to close the doors only if absolutely necessary. Gotta conserve power. Alright, good night

"eto piz`dets. What did I got myself into?" I put the palm of my hand on my head. As I took the I-Pad I almost crapped my pants. The bunny was missing. As for this chicken thing. It was staring at the camera. I shook my head. As I switched around the cameras I found the bunny on the hallway to the left of me. I took my flashlight and lighted out there only to be greeted with creepy eyes. I showed my middlefinger to him and quickly shut the door. "Alright alright Ivan keep your balls." Then I heard a laughter. I looked at the door to my right and pushed the 'light' button. There stood the duck. After shutting it I took a quick look at the camera. I noticed that I only had 10 percent power left. 5:58 and the two animal things won't just leave the doors. "COME ON 6 AM GOD DAMNET!" Then just as the nightmare would continue the lights went out. Then the music came. That creepy ass music. Then I grew angry. " OH HELL NO!" as I saw that bear. "DON'T EVEN THING ABOUT IT. I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. BEING ASSHOLES TRYING TO STUFF ME INTO SUITS?! TO HELL WITH THAT. I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING POLAR BEARS, SURVIVED THE WINTER WITH BEAR SKIN AND YOU THINK YOU WILL KILL ME?! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT MATE. I WILL SHOVE THAT I-PAD SO DEEP UP YOUR ARSE UNTIL IT COMES OUT OF YOUR ROBOTIC EYE!" Just after that I took a deep breath to scream more I heard the clock ringing. "We aren't done yet." I told him coldly and walked past him. From the corner of my eye I could see him looking at the chicken with a weird expression on his face.

The next night:

After some preparation I sat down. I did some research to find out their routs they walk and made them some little "presents" specialy for that fox. I grinned a call came but I smashed the phone. To hell with that guy. It didn't took long as I heard running. As I checked the camera I saw how a fox shaped robot ran to the office. Then she tripped at a rope which I put there. She fell with her snout first on the floor. I laughed my ass off at that. I was standing outside of the door looking at her with my flashlight. "Jerk." She told me. I showed her the middlefinger and laughed as I closed the door and looked to the other side. Then I saw this chicken thing at the window. I didn't even try to close the door. She came closer then suddenly stopped. She started to scream because my little 'present' caught her foot. "Prestent from Siberia!" It was a bear trap I used to hunt polar bears. I kicked her back a little and then closed the door. After some time that bear came and graped that chicken thing and ran away. They didn't return for the night so I thought maybe they understood the message to not mess with me.

3rd night:

Well they didn't. They all stood in front of the door to make me use my whole power. However what surprised them was not only that I opened the door, but also what was behind it. I stood there with a started chainsaw and a Jason mask. I cracked my neck. "Who wants to run first?" I laughed. The off course ran away and I sprinted after them. After several minutes of chasing they hid in my office (ironic I know) and closed the door. I stood at the door where chicka and freddy normaly come and bumbed against the window. "OPEN UP!" I screamed. I was surprised when I heard talking inside. Freddy told the others "What is wrong with that guy? Anyways we need to find a way to get him away." They looked around and his eyes rested at foxy. She was a bit nervous. "Uh guys?" The three grinned then the door next to me opened and they threw her out then shut it immediately. As she looked at me I her eye widened. "Please don't make it painful." The first thought of mine was. 'THEY HAVE EMOTIONS AND PAIN?!' but then I laughed a little and knelled next to her. "Don't you worry about that. Eventually I won't hurt you." Then I looked at her eyes. "Go back to your cave I will deal with your so called friends." At first she looked at me shocked, but as I made a way free she ran. Then I got back to the window. "AS FOR YOU PRICKS!" They were even more scared now. "I don't like traitors! NOW COME OUT!" Freddy grinned. "Nope we won't. You will have to find a way to get us out of her…." I took my mask off revealing my grinning face. Then I held out a filled pizza box. Chica immediately fixed her eyes at it. Then I put my chainsaw down took my heavy metals guitar which I brought from home in the other one. Bonnie was reacting the same. "G…Guys?" Freddy asked. The two opened the door and got in front of me. As I looked behind them the door shut again. "Now… I will give you it but before…. Sit." I ordered. They immediately obeyed. "Roll" they did it. Then I put my guitar at the pizza box. Give hand." As they did I gave the two things to them. Then I laid my hands on their heads and rubbed. Somehow (don't ask me) they purred. Then I got to the side and said. "Go to your places now." "Yes…. Master." Chica told me. I chuckled at the last part. The both got away and I turned at Freddy. His mouth was opened widely and it looked so hilarious. "Now make it easier for you and open the door." He shook his head saying "Nothing will open this door." I laughed. "Then better look at your power." His eyes widened and he looked at the tablet. I could make out a single number. 0. Then everything went dark. I grapped my chainsaw, started it and got into the room. I took my light of my nightguard uniform. And shined it at him. He was in a corner while holding his arms in front of his head. I walked closer to him until I was over him. "Any last words?" I asked. Then I held the chainsaw over my head. He closed his eyes. After some time with nothing happening he opened it again. "Hope this was a lesson to you." I told him as I walked away quietly. I looked at the watch on my arm and it was 6 am. I looked at the stage. The two had their heads down probably switched out so I got out of the building.


	2. Chapter 2

Ivans POV

4th night

I cracked my neck as I sat in my office. "Now, now they have returned." I said, as I saw Chica at the window. She made her hand to a fist saying "That with the pizza wasn't fair!" I chuckled at that. "Everything is fair in love and war. In another thing." I opened the door revealing a husky growling at the animatronic. "Say hello to Dusk, my pet." I turned to him. "Bring me her arm." He started to run to her while she bailed. Eventually he came back with a yellow animatronic arm. "Good boy." He put it down in front of my feet and sat down. I scratched him behind the ear. 'Good to know that they repair themselves tho.' I thought. "Now go sleep buddy, you did enough for the day." He yelped happily and laid in a corner. I heard several steps as I saw the chicken again. I looked her in the eyes. "Could… Could I have my arm again?" she asked. I then threw it to her. "You know I will have my revenge. If you are so funny then how about you will join our band?" she grinned evilly. "Dusk." I called out. He opened his eyes and saw the chicken again growling. "Run." I told her and she immediately did. I laughed and pet him again. "Now I need to prepare myself."

As I watched the camera I noticed the animatronics coming to me. They stomped heavily. "Just in time." I turned to my pet. "Dusk while I am doing this try to rest the best you can alright?" He nodded still having his eyes closed. "COME OUT NIGHTGUARD." Freddy screamed. "When I am done with you, your head will look like a mashed potato." He added coldly. I chuckled at that. Then walked through the door. They looked at my gas mask. "Freddy this place is made out of stone right?" He nodded. "Why do you ask?" then I took the flamethrower beside me, lit a little flame saying. "Just asking." I guess they got the message what that thing is and ran. I slowly walked saying "Dust close the door." Then the door behind me closed. " I have always been an horder of old soviet stuff you know. This thing was made in the second world war." I called out. I was in the dining room. "You can run but you can't hide." I got into the parts and service room. I heard claping of metal feet behind me. I grinned and turned around. There I was greeted with Freddy. "Always wanted to be a black bear? Now is your chance." Then I sprayed the flame at him. It barely missed his stomach but still hit his arm and lightened it up. He screamed while asking "What the hell is wrong with you?" I slowly walked further to pirates cove. The blankets would be the only thing to go into flames. "Come one out." I said. Nothing moved. I sighed grapped an axe from my back, putting the flamethrower on my back and got into the cove. Seconds later Foxy ran past me. She got into the womens bathroom to one of the toilets. I grinned getting in there. Still holding my axe I was looking at the doors to find one locked. I laughed. "Come one out I know you are in there." She didn't respond. "Alright don't say I didn't warn you." Then I swung my axe at the door making a hole. Off course screaming could be heard. After ripping away anything that was in between I put my head through the hole saying "Here is Ivan!" Then threw the axe to the side and put my flamethrower in the whole. "Mother of god… " was all I could hear. When I blazed a flame in there she started to scream. It was like music to my ears. "Better repair yourself girl." I grinned at her. As I walked out I said. "This is way funnier to be the hunter. I got back to the route which would Bunny and Foxy take and stopped at the janitors room. I chuckled and opened the door revealing the bunny. "Always wanted to taste rabbit." I mutered. The bunnys eyes widened and he jumped to the ground missing the flames. As he ran I noticed that I burned some of his back. I was satisfied with that. "Only this chicken left. I got to the placed I guessed where she would be. The kitchen and I was right. She sat there cowering. As she saw me she gasped. I held the flamethrower at her saying "You are the light of my life." Then sprayed the burning liquid at her. Of course she screamed. A lot. For a second I felt bad for her but then I realized that she would also stuff my in a suit no matter how much I scream. After 3 seconds she kept burning and I poured some water over her. She was… wai- what sobbing how the fuck is this possible? Then I put an arm under her shoulder to help her up and got her to the parts and service room. She didn't try to resist. As I opened the door I noticed the other three animatronics in there already repairing themselves they gasped as they saw me. I laid her on the desk and got to the door. Before I closed the door I said "Don't. Mess. With. Me."

I walked to my office and made my dog open the door again. I sat down. The rest of the night was quiet.


	3. Chapter 3

Holy shit guys. I haven't thought it would take this long to upload another chapter. Anyways. I really hope you enjoy. PS if you are getting easily offended by communist and russian jokes pls don't read. Also this will be a lot of bullshiterie, so it shouldn't make any sense.

5th night:

The animatronics sat in a circle around a table. It was about 12 am and they were talking about Ivan. "Man I don't know about you ,but that is sure a crazy guy." Bonny told the others which nodded. "Perhaps we misunderstood him. I mean it is really not nice to stuff people into suits I think." Freddy added. Chica gave him the 'no shit sherlock' look. Then he laughed a little. "Maybe we should apologize to him. Perhaps we could even be friends." Just in that moment. Something touched him from behind. As he turned around he saw that it was Ivan. They all were prepared to run from him again but he didn't have anything in his hands. Except for one thing. A bottle with a clear liquid.

"How are my robotic friends." Ivan said with a happy voice before trying to sit on a chair at the same table where the others sat, missing it completely and falling to the ground. "Blyat. Maybe I am a bit drunk." he said before passing out. Chica walked over to him and grapped the bottle. On it was a big word. Vodka. Also some numbers under them other words. 80%. Only drink when your true russian. "What the hell is this?" Then Chica opened it and took a swip passing it to the others.

Inside Chica.

Analyzing vodka. 80% Alkohol. 5% Revolution. 5% History. 10% Resistance. Downloading .

5 hours later.

Ivan woke up with a startle. As he looked around him he saw that he was on the ground. His head hurt like hell. "Ah cyka what happened here?" Then he got up noticing the animatronics on a pile further away. Countless vodka bottles around them. "Where the hell did they get that many bottles from?" He picked one up almost pissing himself. 'Putins vodka. Don't touch or russia will rape you.' "Where the hell did they get that fro..." he then got touched from behind. As he turned around he saw the (at least today) russian president. Ivan immediately hid the vodka bottle which he held behind him. "He... Hello Putin." Ivan said unsurely. "Ivan do you know where my vodka is. I was going for a drink when I saw that my basement was empty. I swear to god, that this cyka which took it will..." He glanced behind Ivan, before softly speaking to him. "Ivan get out of the way." which obeyed. Just in that moment Foxy woke up. "Ah... Dumb vodka. Tastes bad and gives you a headache" she said before noticing an angry Putin in the room. She woke the others up which were also looking at the man. "Revolyutsiya come here." Not a second later a polar bear rushed through the doors breaking them. Ivan was a bit startled to see his present to Putin again which he gave him ,when he got president for the first time in the year 2000. Then Putin coldly told the animatronics. "Prepare for the revolution capitalistic machines." As he sat on top of the polar bear.

Benny Hill Theme (trust me you need it)

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU." Chica screamed and ran. The gang following. As for the bear "NOT AGAIN." they screamed then split up. Putin got after Foxy which tried to hide in the office. As she looked at the camera noticing that Putin and the bear were running to the office she quickly jumped to close the door but they got in before. She got ripped apart only having on arm and leg left. Putin jumped off the bear and ran after Bonnie. Soon he grapped an half empty vodka bottle on the way ripping off a little part of the curtains from pirates cove and created an molotov cocktail. Then he grapped his lighter and made the curtain on it burn. Then he threw it at bonnie. It hit him burning almost all of his eh.. (fur?) off. "JUST LIKE IN THE SECOND WORLD WAR!" Putin laughed. In the meantime Chica was in a corner with the bear in front of her. "Oh god I hate animals." she said. (Ironic isn't it?) before the bear jumped at her. While getting ripped apart she looked at Ivan who was currently filming it with a camera. As the bear let go of her and ran away she screamed "You bitch!" Ivan responded. "Hey I am loading this at Russiatube so be quiet." Freddy hid in the parts and service room closing the door behind him locking it. In the meantime Putin hit against the door with an old SVT-40. "Prepare for communism!" he screamed. Freddy in the meantime was hiding under the desk.

Russia National anthem starting :D

Suddenly the wall broke as for the roof. As Freddy slowly crawled out from under the desk he almost shitted himself. In front of him was a t34 85 (DON'T QUESTION IT) Putin peaked his head outside of the commander hatch. " REVOLYUTSIYA FIRE!" And a tank shell was fired.

5 minutes later (you can still have the music if you want)

Ivan jumped out of the driver seat after he drove back to the parking lot. He looked to his former working place. Completely destroyed. Many parts of it were burning. He sighed. "Goodbye workplace." Then he felt a paw touching him from behind. It was the polar bear. She got next to him looking at the burning building. "Perhaps we russians shouldn't be in america. Don't you think revolyutsiya?" the bear roared in aggreement. Ivan chuckled a little. "Alright friends." Putin started behind them still on the tank. "Time to go home. Oh and Ivan? We will find another work for you. Trust me. But right now lets leave the capitalists." With that everybody got in the tank again and Ivan drove the tank off. Back to his home. Back to mother russia.

Well... Yeah that's it right? No more chapters. Joke. I don't know if I will continue but I will take a break. I need to catch more jokes. Stay save. And always remember. RUSH B BLYAT!


	4. Chapter 4

Alright guys! I wanted to ask how many people wanted to have a sequel? *the whole screen gets covered with hands* Oh. I also know that Five nights at freddys 2 has happened before Fnaf 1 so please just keep calm and drink vodka. PS this chapter makes even less sence than the last one. Hell none of my chapters makes sence so fuck it!

* * *

I was waking up in a bed. Looking around I saw a vodka bottle.

Kalinka mix playing (by Elsad Curri)

My eyes were instantly fixed at this. I grabbed it and stormed out of the door. Dancing the way through the hall. In there people were watching me with confused face expressions. Then a second later as I walked through another door there sat a women on a leather chair with glasses as for a piece of paper with a pen in her hand. Next to her a bed. She motioned me over there. I asked her "Where am I?" She looked me straight in the eyes. "Don't you know? You are in a addiction clinic to help you on your alcohol problem."

Music stopped violently.

New music starts. Get out alive (three days grace)

"OH SHIT" I screamed jumping through a window breaking the metal bars. "WAIT!" I heard the women behind me screaming. Then I noticed I was in the 10th floor. "CYYYYYYYYYYYKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I screamed as I fell down. As I hit the dirt I instantly jumped up. "NOBODY TAKES MY VODKA AWAY FROM ME!" I ran further through the streets. Looking behind me I saw police cars coming. Taking out my cell phone I called a number. „Revolyutsiya no time to explain! Shoot shells at position Vokda, Communism, Ak47! Yes the big ones!" I threw the phone away again and ran further. A second later I heard explosions behind me. A lot of explosions. People started to run on the streets with guns. It was like anarchy. I then noticed an open door of a building and I stormed in without looking. As I got in I instantly barricaded the door with wooden planks, next I used chains as for bricks. I was done breathing heavily.

Looking behind me I noticed something. I was in a dark room. It smelled like the ass of revolyutsiya and everywhere were pizza parts. Some of them already rotting. As for a big chicken like robot ready to attack me. Perhaps I should have noticed it first due to the fact that it was in front of me but hey... Blame the vodka. Speaking of which I screamed and hit the chicken straight in the face with the bottle and ran. I ran until I came in the only part of the building which was like an office. 'Why is this so awfully familiar?' I asked myself. I sat down on the chair and a second later the phone ringed. " _Uh, hello? Hello, hello? Uh, hello and welcome to your new summer job at the new and improved Freddy Fazbear's Pizza_!" It said. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I screamed. The phone guy continued. " _Uh, I'm here to talk you through some of the things you can expect to see during your first week here and to help you get started down this new and exciting career path._ "What the fuck?" I asked myself. "Do they even know me?! I mean I didn't even get hired here!"

 _Uh, now, I want you to forget anything you may have heard about the old location, you know. Uh, some people still have a somewhat negative impression of the company. Uh... that old restaurant was kind of left to rot for quite a while, but I want to reassure you, Fazbear Entertainment is committed to family fun and above all, safety. They've spent a small fortune on these new animatronics, uh, facial recognition, advanced mobility, they even let them walk around during the day. Isn't that neat?_ "Uh." *Images the picture of the former restaurant burning* "Does he even know what happened?!" I asked half screamed. _But most importantly, they're all_ harmless! "YES!" I screamed "At last no killer bots!" But he soon continued. They are _tied into some kind of criminal database, so they can detect a predator a mile away. Heck, we should be paying them to guard you._ "Wait so if I have a criminal history they attack me?! Well it wasn't the brighest idea to park a tank in a shop. When we were driving back to russia. But we needed THAT vodka!"

 _Uh, now that being said, no new system's without its... kinks. Uh... you're only the second guard to work at that location. Uh, the first guy finished his week, but complained about... conditions. Uh, we switched him over to the day shift, so hey, lucky you, right? Uh mainly he expressed concern that certain characters seemed to move around at night, and even attempted to get into his office. Now, from what we know, that should be impossible. Uh, that restaurant should be the safest place on earth. So while our engineers don't really have an explanation for this, the working theory is that... the robots were never given a proper "night mode". So when it gets quiet, they think they're in the wrong room, so then they go try to find where the people are, and in this case, that's your office. So our temporary solution is this: there's a music box over by the Prize Counter, and it's rigged to be wound up remotely. So just, every once in a while, switch over to the Prize Counter video feed and wind it up for a few seconds. It doesn't seem to affect all of the animatronics, but it does affect... one of them. Uh, and as for the rest of them, we have an even easier solution. You see, there may be a minor glitch in the system, something about robots seeing you as an endoskeleton without his costume on, and wanting to stuff you in a suit, so hey, we've given you an empty Freddy Fazbear head, problem solved! You can put it on anytime, and leave it on for as long as you want. Eventually anything that wandered in, will wander back out._

 _Uh, something else worth mentioning is kind of the modern design of the building. You may have noticed there are no doors for you to close, heh. But hey, you have a light! And even though your flashlight can run out of power, the building cannot. So, don't worry about the place going dark. Well, I think that's it. Uh, you should be golden. Uh, check the lights, put on the Freddy head if you need to, uh, keep the music box wound up, piece of cake. Have a good night, and I'll talk to you tomorrow._

I slammed my head against the table. "Putin why?" I soon saw a Chicken with in the hall. She had a bib on her chest which said 'Let's party!' She was slowly walking to me. I quickly put the first thing nearby on my head. Looking up I noticed it was a old soviet pelt hat from the second world war. Seeing the chicken thing getting closer I looked around. I then put the hat to the side putting the fazbear hat on my face. The chicken thingy turned its head and left then.

A second later I heard music. "FUCK THE BOX!" I used my flashlight and lightened the hall. Seeing that this puppet thing jumped at me. I rolled to the side. It crashed in the wall behind me. Taking out a old knife I stood in front of it. "COME AT ME BRO!" It tried to slash me with on of its *eh claws?* I simply dodged and hit it straight in the face. I then stabbed it in its neck. Looking behind me I saw more of them aprouching. "TASCHANKA!" I screamed. A second later the lord of rainbow six siege walked beside me. "LMG MOUNTED AND LOADED!"

Soviet anthem earrape starting (lower the audio trust me!)

He sprayed across the hall. The animatronics were fast enough to dodge. They quickly got in a room in the hall to get away from the fire. I leaned against the tabble with the puppet thing crawling over to me. I laughed and threw it out in the hall to be caught by the fire of the lord. I soon got onto my chair and heard the most beatiful song I ever heard.

End of the first night!

* * *

Alrighty. Yes I am not dead! I know some of you had been waiting for some time but I had to regain some new jokes. Ps There will be more vodka from now on! :D


End file.
